Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
