I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
