i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
