apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
