My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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