It's Friday. Sex?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is Oprah even human
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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