did you get engaged???
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
