Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
