he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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