Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
