he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
