I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
