I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
