you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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