Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
