well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
