i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
