he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
