For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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