So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
