Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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