So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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