i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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