Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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