I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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