Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think your dad took our porno
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
