Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
