the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
