So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
