I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize