my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I supernannyed him into submission
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
