I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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