Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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