I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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