it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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