how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
