hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
