fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
