She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
