I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it because I queefed?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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