I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
