Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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