ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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