i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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