Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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