I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
