tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
