I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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