I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
