I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Im part way to drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
