I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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