Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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