this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
